What eleven years taught us about arguing

Eleven years in, we have had our share of arguments about dishes, schedules, money, and whose family gets which holiday. Almost none of them were actually about dishes, schedules, money, or holidays.

What we have learned to do, slowly and imperfectly, is ask what the argument is protecting. Usually it is a fear of being unseen, or unheard, or taken for granted. Once you can name that, the actual disagreement gets much easier to resolve.

This is the kind of thing we talk about in Conversations sessions more than anything else — not the surface fight, but what is underneath it.